Mary Steenburgen: The Gift of Giving

Talking with Mary Steenburgen was comfortable and easy, like two old friends reconnecting after many years. Our nonstop conversation over the course of two-and-a-half hours, was filled with some surprises, some laughs and some tender moments.

We talked about her childhood in Arkansas; her acting career; her marriage to Ted Danson; their children who she adores; Nell’s Compass, the candle company she and her daughter Lilly started that she named after her mother; Rooms & Gardens, the Home Décor shop she co-owns in Santa Monica;  her close friendship with Bill and Hillary Clinton; and her and Ted’s social and environmental activism.

Mary said, “I use the word ‘other-worldly’ to describe myself. People who know me well, either complain or see it as a compliment that I seem to have one foot here and one foot somewhere else.

“That’s been true since I was a little girl, partly because starting when I was eight years old my dad had a series of heart attacks, and he almost died again and again. A number of things happened to me as a result of that—some were good and creative, while others continue to challenge me.

“For one, I never saw life as a given. I still don’t. Sometimes I wish I took life a little more for granted, because for me there’s an intensity to it. I experience great appreciation, but I also have some intense fears and worries that I try and work on.”

So how did Mary get from Little Rock to the bright lights of Hollywood? Who gave her a leg up? Who opened a door? Who saw that “special something” in her?

Mary said she’d worked as a waitress in New York for 5 1/2 years, while doing comedy improv for free at the Manhattan Theater Club. Then in 1977, when she was 24, Jack Nicholson made her dream come true.

“He was responsible for so much that happened to me. He says I would have made it anyway, but to have the beginning of your career influenced by such a huge talent who is such a consummate actor was an extraordinary privilege.”

Here’s an American Film Institute clip in which Mary thanks Jack and explains how they first met.

LIFE LESSON: It’s important to have a mentor, but it’s also important to be one. Find someone who could use your wisdom and guidance and offer your support.

“Jack was his best self with me. I don’t know if I wasn’t attractive to him, but that wasn’t part of our relationship. He really mentored me. He sat me in a screening room and ran movies for me. Then he’d come in at the end and ask what I liked about them, and we’d talk about the performances. I’d gone from Arkansas to New York to study theater, trying to immerse myself in an exotic world, but I’d never seen any classic films. Jack gave me an acting education, which was quite generous of him, and an immense event in my life.

“I was lucky to be in the right place at the right time to audition for him, but 99% of it was studying, working, putting on those orthopedic shoes every night that I waitress-ed, being prepared. If you wait for luck, you’ll waste your time. Even if it comes, you won’t have anything to back it up. I tell kids how important it is to study so they’re better than the millions of others who are trying to do the same thing.”

Mary was still a newbie when she earned an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress in her third film, Melvin and Howard.  Since then her comedic charm and dramatic prowess have been showcased in many movies including Parenthood with Steve Martin; Philadelphia with Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington; What’s Eating Gilbert Grape with Johnny Depp; I Am Sam with Sean Penn and Dakota Fanning; Life as a House with Kevin Kline; The Brave One with Jody Foster; Four Christmases with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn, The Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds, and many others.

In 2007, a talent for songwriting mysteriously emerged shortly after Mary underwent minor surgery on her arm that required a general anesthetic.

“I began experiencing music playing in my head day and night.”

She subsequently took music lessons so that she could write down what she was hearing, and by 2013, she had almost 50 songwriting credits. She collaborated with musicians from Nashville and was signed to Universal Music.

In 2013, Mary got to work with Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman, Robert De Niro and Kevin Kline in Last Vegas, a film about three retirees going to their last remaining single friend’s bachelor party in Las Vegas.

“It was a dream come true working with these iconic actors,” she said. In the film, Mary plays a lounge singer, who ends up with Mihael Douglas, and she actually performs one of the songs she wrote.

Mary has played opposite some great leading men, but first on her list is her second husband, Ted Danson. Together since 1993, married since 1995, they are one of Hollywood’s most endearing couples, who speak with such love and respect about each other.

“We tell each other the truth, even the hard truth, all the time. We make each other laugh all day every day, even on the hard days. I think this marriage was arranged in heaven and is a gift that I give thanks for every day. Neither of us takes the other for granted. I adore him. He’s the funniest, most extraordinary person. I utterly respect him.”

– Mary Steenburgen

LIFE LESSON:  Do you withhold your true feelings or tell white lies in order to avoid conflict? It’s not always easy to tell the truth, but it’s the difference between having an authentic, meaningful relationship and a relationship built on fear and deception. Speak honestly from your heart. You can do it gently, but do it.

Mary is one of those actresses who easily crosses over between the big screen and TV. She starred in one of my favorite television shows, Joan of Arcadia (2003- 2005) that earned several awards.

She played Helen, the mom of teenager Joan Giradi (played by Amber Tamblyn) who sees and speaks with God who appears to her in the form of small children, teenage boys, elderly ladies, transients, people passing by, etc. Each week the show delivered a message as Joan was asked by God to perform tasks that often appeared trivial or contrary, but always ended up positively impacting someone’s life.

Naturally, I asked Mary about Joan of Arcadia.

“You try to serve the piece and the writer, but after that it goes out into the ethers and you never know peoples’ experiences. It was different with Joan of Arcadia. We heard some amazing stories. One letter was from parents whose daughter who was in her 30’s had cancer. She came home to be with them, and no matter what was going on with her treatments, they watched the show together every Friday night. She passed away at the end of one episode, and her parents felt that she chose to leave the world at that time.

“People asked if the show was about God or a girl who talked to God, but I saw the show being about ripples. Most ripples go unnoticed, but the show examined the unanswerable question, ‘Where does what you do go, even if it’s the tiniest thing, and how does it affect others?’

“We all put out good and bad ripples. I might be feeling shy or sad and sitting somewhere with my head down, and someone thinks I’m unapproachable. Where do the ripples from the things we do, like talking about each other, go? I find that deeply interesting.”

LIFE LESSON: What unkind or thoughtless ripples are you sending into the world? Be mindful of the repercussions you may unintentionally create. Become more conscious of the power you have to hurt others. Let the ripples you send out be those of love, compassion, kindness, and generosity-of-spirit.

There are many ways we can make a difference in the world, be it through random acts of kindness, volunteering our time, or donating resources. When I asked Mary how she gives back, she talked about Heifer International, an organization that she and her husband, Ted Danson, support.

Mary explained that she first heard about Heifer International when they called and asked if she would present a goat to her close friend Hilary Clinton at a small party being given at the White House to celebrate Hilary’s 50^th birthday.

“I wasn’t familiar with their work, so I didn’t understand what they were saying. I learned that Heifer was started by a man in Europe who passed out powdered milk to the hungry during World War II. He kept seeing the same faces and he realized he was the only thing between these people and starvation. He wanted to find a way to empower them to help themselves and pass on the gift because he understood that if you give a man a fish you feed him for a day, but if you teach him to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.

“What’s beautiful about Heifer is that they don’t just give people goats, cows, sheep, and chickens. They teach people how to care for the animals because that is the difference between life and death for them.

The one requirement is that they pass on their animals’ first female offspring as a gift to others in their community. The villagers are also taught the concept of sustainable agriculture, which includes using the animals’ dung as fertilizer and the practice of planting grasses that help prevent erosion and replenish the soil.

Here is an inspiring video about a young woman named Beatrice, who grew up in poverty in Uganda. She tells how one goat given to her family by Heifer International changed her life by allowing her to go to school.

Twenty dollars provides a flock of chicks, ducks, or geese that lay eggs; $30 gives the gift of a honeybee hive and income from the sale of honey, wax and pollen; $60 buys a trio of rabbits, and $120 buys a pig, which provides manure that immediately boosts the productivity of crops; $120 gives the gift of a sheep, $150 gives the gift of a llama or alpaca that provide wool; $250 gives the gift of a water buffalo; $500 provides a heifer; or $850 provides a camel. A $10 donation will be put toward an animal of your choice.

Here is another touching story about a young girl named Khardiata. Her village is small, but she has big dreams. This video shows her home in Senegal, where you can learn about farming life, the importance of water, and how Heifer International is ending hunger and poverty around the world.

You can read my full interview by clicking on Up Close and Personal with Mary Steenburgen.