Nate Berkus – Transforming Homes and Hearts

The first time I saw Nate Berkus was in 2002, when he started doing room makeovers on the Oprah Winfrey show. Like everyone else, I was smitten with the design expert, who had thick, wavy brown hair, beautiful blue eyes, and a dazzling smile.

It didn’t take long to figure out that Nate was going to become a household name, follow in the footsteps of Dr. Phil, and get his own television show. Not because of his good looks, or because Oprah was his mentor, but because he’s talented, so handsome you could eat him up, and he has a sensitive nature, a compassionate heart, and a warm, down-to-earth personality that folks connect with.

Some people who looked at Nate thought he had the perfect life.

But no one escapes life unscathed. Everyone has their share of hardships, challenges, and loss.”

On January 17, 2005, Nate appeared on Oprah and shared how he and his partner, photographer Fernando Bengoechea, were vacationing in Sri Lanka on December 26, 2004, when an earthquake in the Indian Ocean created a tsumani that killed over 230,000 people in 14 counties.

Nate and Fernando were in their room when the first wave hit. Nate says he was pinned under the bed. Then they found themselves in rushing water clinging to a telephone pole with debris and dead bodies floating by.  Suddenly the water changed direction and they were wrenched apart.

When it was over, Nate was bruised and cut, but alive, while Fernando vanished and was never found. In Arugam Bay, where they were staying, more than 400 people died, hundreds were injured, and more than 2,000 homes were damaged or destroyed, leaving 7,000 homeless.

Days later Nate arrived home after a 30-hour journey a changed man.

“2005 began with me lying in bed, unable to eat, unable to string a sentence together. My house was filled with people I loved, whose expressions scared me more than I already was. It was a time of conquering what have been lifelong battles for me, all of which surfaced in a matter of minutes, because I came home without Fernando.

“I barely remember eating. I do remember the thousands of letters and e-mails that came to my door from strangers, who seemed to be as shocked as I was that I had lived through the tsunami and hoped that I would somehow be able to return to a normal life.”

“I remember wondering if that would ever be possible. I remember Oprah telling me it would be a “new normal.” That scared me as well.

“I’ve always had a fear of nature, standing water, whether I would have the strength to survive a physical ordeal. I was never able to climb to the top of the rope in elementary school gym class. I have always had a horror of having a reason to grieve, always avoided talking about death, and didn’t make it to most funerals. I was never good at being sad.

“I met with a grief counselor, which was helpful, but I know I would not be here without the love and support of other people. Each letter I received made me a tiny bit stronger. I remember being shocked at the pain people lived with, and their fierce determination to rebuild their lives. They wrote and told me about car accidents, knocks on the door, losing a child, people drowning before their eyes. I understood their pain. I heard them. Sharing their stories helped me sleep again. I never had nightmares. My base-level state of being was a nightmare. Bad dreams were unnecessary.

“A shift happened inside me on my birthday in September that I wasn’t prepared for. Nine and a half months after I returned, I was laughing at a table with my friends. My best friend, who flew to London to save me, had organized the evening. Fernando’s ex-boyfriend of seven years was there too. We were all laughing and smiling. He was a stranger to me before the tsunami. Now he is my brother.”

Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys.”

– Alphonse de Lamartine

“That night it occurred to me that I could again be happy again. I was not only defined by loss and fear and grief, but also by love and joy and light. A friend gave me a basket filled with beautiful candles, which was symbolic of what she told me in February. ‘You can light a candle or curse the darkness.’ We lit the candles.

“I know now what it means to hurt in every part of my being. I also know what it means to have deep, soulful connections to others, and exist off their energy, to really need help, and to take what’s offered. I know now that I will be okay. After you survive something like this, you learn at a very basic level that you have the will to survive and heal.

“I started working again three months after I came back. There was a lot to do. I understand, even more deeply, the importance of doing what you love. Time is not a guarantee. You have to use it wisely.

“These are my gifts that I have paid a price for. While I would never have chosen to pay that price, these now are the gifts I could not live without.”

• I have no capacity for insincerity. It is a waste of time.
• I do what I do because I love the process. It would otherwise be a waste of time.
• I allow myself to be loved and to love others. That is worth my time.

It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.”

– Joseph Campbell

LIFE LESSON: Some of us never recover from the pain, sadness, grief, while others allow their spirits to heal, to laugh again, and remember with joy. Life is short. Grieving doesn’t change anything. Recognize and appreciate that your being here is a gift until it is your turn. Time is precious. Use it wisely. You still have lots of love to give to those who need it, who will return it. Life is always evolving and changing. If you don’t embrace that, you’ll live in the past and be unhappy. If you accept it with an open, gracious heart, you’ll find reasons for living and loving that are much bigger than yourself. In that you’ll find peace.

There were career changes for Nate. After eight years and 127 makeovers, he prepared to launch his own show in September 2010.

The Nate Berkus Show was the perfect vehicle for Nate who loves showing viewers how to breathe new life into their homes by rearranging and re-purposing items they already have, and tackling projects that can be done inexpensively.

But Nate goes far beyond offering decorating and lifestyle tips and chatting with celebrity guests.  He puts smiles on the faces of some deserving people, helping make their dreams come true.

The Nate Berkus Show was nominated for a GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) Award for an episode they did with Wendy and Shawn Walsh, the mother and brother of 13-year-old Seth Walsh, a student at a middle school in Tehachapi, California, who hung himself in his backyard on September 19, 2010, because he was being bullied at school.

Seth didn’t die immediately. When his body was discovered he was taken to the hospital where he stayed on life support for nine days.

During the investigation, many students acknowledged Seth Walsh had been bullied for a long time. The school maintained they had an anti-gay bullying program, but not one teacher or school official intervened to help the boy, who was being mentally tortured.

“I’m proud of that award,” Nate says. “Not because I was the only person Wendy felt comfortable talking with, but because the point of having a daily talk show is to shed light on things that raise peoples’ awareness and equalize all of us.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OVoq7cKKoU&feature=related

It is distressing to me that we live in an age in which we still must fight to protect our civil rights as Americans, in which a hate crime perpetrated against someone based upon their sexual orientation can go unpunished, and in which discrimination is being written into our laws.”

– John Conyers

LIFE LESSON: Too often we turn away when we see abuse. We tell ourselves it’s not our business. But we are all connected.

We need to stand for those who cannot speak up for themselves—the little guy, the helpless woman, the terrified child, the outcast, those beaten, or ignored.

Several times my husband has followed drunk drivers while calling 911, reporting their whereabouts to the police, and most likely saving lives.

He’s a concerned citizen, who does what he can to raise awareness, to sound the alarm that our planet is in trouble.

My sister rescues abused and abandoned animals. I try to write about important issues, and lend an ear, a shoulder, my heart to those who need someone to talk to. There are many ways we can make a difference.

Nate says he’s always surprised when people think he’s straight.

“I’ve been “out” on TV longer than I can remember.”   He talks openly about being gay in order to be a positive role model for gay teens so they see that they can have a successful career and be in a loving relationship.

I’m a supporter of gay rights.  And not a closet supporter either.  From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community.  There are so many qualities that make up a human being… by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant.”

– Paul Newman

After a rash of teen suicides, Nate went on The Larry King Show to speak out about gay bullying.  He was  joined on the show by Chely Wright, the first country singer-songwriter to admit she’s gay.

In the segment Chely Wright says, “Country music has been described as being about God, family and country. For some reason people think you can’t be gay and have those beliefs. That’s why I have to step forward and say ‘Really, you think you know what gay is? Well I’m your People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful; I’m your American Legion Woman of the Year. I was the first artist of any genre to play in Iraq after the fall of Saddam Hussein, and I’m gay.’”

Nate talks about the difficulties he experienced growing up gay in Minneapolis, which he wrote about in the book Crisis: 40 Stories Revealing the Personal, Social, and Religious Pain and Trauma of Growing Up Gay in America.

“I was in crisis mode from 13 to 17, and when you’re trying to hide a fundamental part of yourself, you can’t focus on  anything else.” he explains. “But the crisis I went through doesn’t hold a candle to what’s happening today with the internet.

“It only takes one adult to notice and intervene on a child’s behalf.  Where are our heroes? Adults have to get involved. It takes two minutes to identify who the bully is in the classroom and then empower your children to stand up to them. This is a call to arms and we have to come together as a society to end this.”

Prejudice, discrimination, and segregation are synonymous with hatred, ignorance, and fear. We have to break the vicious, ugly cycle and learn to respect each other as human beings.”

– Marsala Rypka

The film, “The Help,” which received four Oscar nominations and one win for Octavia Spencer, provides a glimpse into the lives of black maids and the young, white, racist women they work for in Jackson, Mississippi in the early 1960s on the eve of the civil rights movement.

The reason I mentioned the movie is because Nate was one of the executive producers who helped arrange financing for the film before the book was even published.

Nate is always charting new courses going from decorator to talk show host to movie producer.

Life is full of expected nexts.

In 2014, Nate married fellow designer and TV personality, Jeremiah Brent. Their Jewish-Buddhist ceremony was officiated by then president of the Oprah Winfrey Network, Sheri Salata.

Their daughter, Poppy Brent-Berkus was born in 2015, and their son, Oskar Michael Brent-Berkus was born in 2018.

HGTV’s hit design show The Nate & Jeremiah Home Project is in its second season.

Enjoy my full interview with Nate Berkus as it appeared in Luxury Las Vegas magazine.

Links: The Trevor Project. – www.thetrevorproject.org

GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network) www.GLSEN.org